Psychological survival from the recession
The recession, job losses, drops in incomes are all putting pressures on families.
Daniel Barnes talks to Kim Stephenson, a psychologist and a former financial advisor, about the problems people face in a recession.
He explains for couples facing the stresses of the recession, the cracks in a relationship can widen. However, those who can learn to fight together will move out of problems stronger.
With little money to spare, it can be difficult for couples to spend quality time together. Although divorce law is meant to be recession proof, thanks to the property problems and negative equity running high, many couples at the centre cannot afford to consider divorce either.
Money problems could be supporting families in staying together, or forcing unhappy ones into a life of misery.
Mr Stephenson, who runs Stephenson Consulting, explains there are a number of issues confronting families at this time.
At the core is that people can easily adapt to pay rises, but not to when they lose money. Going up the ladder it is easy to get used to extra money in the pay packet, but harder to do the same when incomes drop.
"We all get used to pay rises quickly," Mr Stephenson explains. "But when things change for the worse, it can be difficult to accept.
"On the way down, people cling to what they had."
He states most people earning £24 or £25,000 are not facing dire problems, but they have come to the point where "they think they are poor because their dishwasher is over three years old".
For example he points to the case of a couple just having a baby. "Suddenly with a kid you have got to get life insurance and health insurance. Someone has to stay at home or pay for a nanny to carry on working.
"Life becomes more expensive and it can force people apart and they can even blame the child for the loss of lifestyle and money."
Couples need to be united.
"In a couple where one person is serious about change and another isn't - like when there are splits about being healthy and having a new diet - it will cause a big row. There are problems if one person is conscious of the £4,000 credit card bill and how it will be a problem if they lose their jobs and says they cannot have a holiday, and the other does not.
"One person may say there are green shoots, but the other might point out it may well be mould.
"In a strong relationship, communication is strong. If there are cracks, you start to get to the point where they are attributing blame. 'You bought the newer sat nav or third mobile phone' or 'You bought those shoes'.
"That is where things get dodgy, especially with the loss of a job, or people working short time. The start of problems is less communication.
"We have all seen the Full Monty where the character played by Tom Wilkinson gets dressed in his suit every day, and pretends to go to work but spends his days in the library. He can't tell his wife.
"I have seen some people like that. Firstly they need to understand the problems, but they are too scared, can't be honest with themselves and can't talk about the problems."
He explains men can feel as if they have failed as a provider for the family.
At this point he highlights the difference between men and women and how they deal with such problems.
While men and women are more alike than they are different, there are differences based on societal pressures and biology.
"Guys are more competitive in an overt way. Women are more subtle, but still competitive.
"Basically guys are more racked up about status and their job and they like to pretend all is ok. Men also identify themselves with their jobs. They say they are an accountant, a lawyer or a sportsman."
Mr Stephenson explains this close link to being identified with their job can mean a loss of the job hits harder.
"Women meanwhile have to take on a bigger role. They feel they are supposed to be the mother, have their job and they are stressed and do not know how to deal with a husband who has lost his identity."
At this point they can begin to resent each other and look at each other's faults, but not admit them and just bottle them up. This resentment can put a wedge between them.
Mr Stephenson explains that resentment stays with them after they have passed a crisis, leading to longer term problems.
"If the problem is not talked about it can pull people apart."
Money can be a factor but it is not always the problem. Often there can be underlying problems.
He explains couples that have problems with sex, it can be medical, but often there is another underlying issue causing a problem.
When seeking help from a therapist, there are those couple who realise that without sex they have very little to hold the relationship together. The same can be with money.
A relationship built on strong finances - with a trophy husband or wife spending - or time together dominated by spending money or seeking to keep up with the Jones' for the new car or even yacht, may seem fine when times are good.
But when the tide goes out and people's finances hit the rocks, the true nature of the relationship and why people are together is revealed.
"Money is just a medium of exchange," Mr Stephenson explains.
"If people think money is an end in itself, they look for blame when it goes wrong. They forget about the value of money and look only to the need to impress people at the sports club or the neighbours down the road.
"It is nothing really about what they want."
He explained the time of crisis could be an opportunity to really think about what makes you happy.
Mr Stephenson explains about one client who became focussed on buying a yacht. But when countered if he actually liked sailing, his reason for having the yacht was for status.
"People forget about what really makes them happy. What made this guy happy was working with systems and computers. However, the pressure to earn the extra money meant he stopped enjoying it.
"The irony is if he had just focussed on enjoying life and enjoying what he liked about his job he would have made as much money and been happy.
"If you look at people like Warren Buffet or George Sorros, they make a lot of money but they enjoy it because they are good at it, and less so for the money. In the end they give it away to charity.
"Most people never stop to think what they really want."
The psychologist explains for many people the aim is to retire in the Algarve, for instance. But in fact what they would really like to do is just focus on what they enjoy.
In this case retirement should not be following the greying herd to the Mediterranean, but looking at what you enjoy today.
"For some people what they really want is to take that 60 per cent of their working day they actually like and use retirement so it becomes a 100 per cent of their time.
"If you need to earn lots of money, explain to yourself why and be honest about goals and values.
"This may be a Pollyanna way of looking at things, but at the moment with job losses it could be a good time to re-appraise your life. If you wanted a certain career in the future, why are you putting it off?"
Mr Stephenson adds: "I hear people saying that makes sense now, but five years ago, when the economy was riding high, it would have sounded like tree hugging.
"Poverty stinks, it hurts. It is a fact of life. Woody Allen said 'Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons' and it is true."
However, tough times can make a relationship stronger, if you work at it.
"You can make a relationship stronger, by sharing views honestly. It can put you on a firmer footing to face other major challenges and problems in the future together.
"If you sit pretending and build up more lies it will be hard to be stable."
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